I Tried

It’s funny how no matter how hard I try I can never escape my faults. They reside on ever molecule, every atom of my being and I can do nothing about it. I’ve tried to overcome them and be a better person. God knows I’ve tried. Hell, I’m still trying. I even thought I’d made progress. But it seems I’m still lost and any feeling of growth and progress is nothing but a dream. I try to be better, to be good enough, but if you can’t be good for someone then you simply can’t be. There’s a sharp pain in the words but it only hurts because it’s true. I’m sorry I can’t be better for you.

Logic, I Guess

I guess it’s foolish

that I put others people’s happiness before my own

and will never hesitate to help them search for

the one who will make them happy

though I know when they find them they’ll leave.

 

I guess I realized

,after everyone left,

I am no ones happiness.

It used to hurt but I’ve accepted

that people will only stay for so long.

 

But I guess I can survive being alone

and belonging solely to myself

for I have never known anything different.

 

(I guess that’s why I am good at taking care of others

because I can help them and handle when they leave)

 

I guess I don’t mind that

if someone asks where I see myself in 10 or 20 or 30 years

it’s in a small, empty apartment somewhere far away

and myself with a single mug of coffee sitting on the table

waiting for no one to come home.

 

I guess it works out

since I dislike needing people

and I don’t open up easily anyway

so having no one isn’t too bad.

(I’d be a burden to anyone anyway, really)

 

I guess I am better off alone.

Don’t Worry, I’ll Stay

When most people see someone holding a grenade, they run away. But I am filled with some innate desire to do something, anything, to keep harm from being done. The world is blind but ever since that year I can see it. The pain of being lost, that empty ache, the wishes to disappear, the hurt of being swallowed by all that you fear. It breaks you. So when I see you rip out your grenade heart and loop your finger through the pull ring, ready to blow, it triggers me and I can’t help but go and hold you close. I tell you I can’t fix you, something we both knew, but I can love you and hope it’s enough to give you a little more time to see that things do get better. The seconds feel like hours but I don’t mind. Everyone is clearing out but I’ll stay with you and hold your trembling hand. I want you to know you’re not alone. That it’s okay to put the grenade away, call it all a lie. You don’t have to hold  yourself to your word this time. I know it’s hard and you’re not fine but if you let me I’ll help you put everything back where it belongs and stay by your side. Everything is out of control but if you take things slow I’ll do my best to make you whole. I want you to know you’re not alone. That I’ll go down with you even if it means losing pieces of me too. Your knuckles are white and your grip on death tight. Everyone is gone by now but I’ll stay.
I’ll stay with you.
I always do.

Consequence of Trust

I thought you of all people
Would have my back.
But a knife took your place

The realization
That I have no one
Who actually gives a shit about me
Hurts like hell

And you pulled that knife out of my back
Only to put it in my hand
Saying “do everyone a favor”.

Choking

You asked how I was

And my own tongue betrayed me.

I told you “I’m fine”

when I meant

“Save me,

Save me!”

Falling On A Grenade

The pin was pulled;

You knew.

The seconds ticked by

(Slowly,

It felt like years).

You could have ran

To safety, but

You didn’t. Instead

You threw yourself

Onto the grenade

And held it close.

Ceteris Paribus

In youth I often wondered

What causes the most pain;

Now I know the answer’s in

My own betraying veins.

Loving the Fallen

A face breathtaking to behold,

Petite and mischievous as a fairy.

Her lips, once that of a child’s:

Innocent and always merry.

Like a wild flower she dances in the wind,

Her movements as captivating as fire.

Locks of silk, darker than the earth

With rings a trees heart would admire.

The moon has wrapped her bones

In it’s eternal cold embrace,

While the stars call her stormy eyes home;

Her reckless laugh, a dare no man can face.

 

Yet behind that fair facade lies a tragic flaw,

Falling from Heaven turned her heart to ice

That my love cannot hope to thaw.

Wounds unseen grace her seamless flesh,

Twice the night sky has sliced her back,

Everlasting pain laced into now mortal skin:

Between her shoulders are Hell’s wings of black.

How my soul is drawn towards her dark light,

My miserable mind for company cries,

I’m aware she lies beyond loves reach

Still I hopelessly yearn for my demise.

 

Oh Angel, Angel, fallen Angel

What curse you’ve laid upon me!

Oh Angel, Angel, damned Angel

How I hate to be in love with thee!