FROM FIRE TO ASHES

Simply me and my musings

I told myself I’d never be naive and oh, the beautiful irony-To know it is a wolf beneath the wool, yet still cry out in shock when it devours me.

-The Wise Sheep’s Naivety 

Break

Love me

Leave me

Synonyms on your tongue

Kiss me

Kill me

An attempt to live while young

First peace

First war

Disagreement of the mind

The present

The future

They leave each other blind

Her judgment

His prospecting

Leave too much at stake

Her heart

His freedom

A bend about to break

Twisted Trinity

I’m letting go of the ones I love 

Lest they hurt from holding onto me

I climbed too far and was pulled down 

From Eden’s apple tree

A taste of fruit, knowledge turned to a curse

My mind agonizes over all I cannot be

So I offered my soul, begged to feel less alone

Now Death, Devil, and I make three

I cannot stomach the dissonance of my existence.

Little Black Book

I have a little black book filled with paper that is the purest white. There are no lines on the paper, no wide or college ruled reminders to keep my composure. When things get bad, that is, when I get bad, I write all the turbulent thoughts I would not dare whisper aloud within the sanctuary of these pages. In those moments of mental disquiet, I purge my mind in its entirety with a black inked pen. I write with a black inked pen on white blank pages in a little black book…how ordinary it all sounds, how unimportant it all seems. But I pour my sins onto such pristine paper because I am a perfectionist who loathes mistakes, a realist who cannot stomach anything but the ideal (my ideal). Having no choice but to present my thoughts imperfectly, I force myself to lose any illusions of control. What I write I cannot take back and what I am left with is painful sincerity. The errors I make-slanted sentences, hardly legible words, some even misspelled or scratched out-taunt me, and each horror uttered is laid bare in utter horror like a confessional where I am both the guilty and the judge. In this quiet plea for the mercy of acceptance, I seek forgiveness for myself from myself. No matter the words I write they all say the same thing: there are things out of my control that can be neither reconciled nor changed, and being unable to obtain the unobtainable does not equate to failure. Sometimes there is simply no way to make my dark mind sound beautiful. Sometimes I am just fucked up and there is nothing poetic about it. I attempt to prove to myself that the pages are not ruined by the consuming mistakes, rather, something once empty is now filled with moments to look back on and learn from. It is growth: it is a process to find a greater understanding, and thus a greater tolerance, for the imperfect. I cannot help but stare at ink stained hand as I write this. It trembles, unsteady and unsure beneath the weight of the words it holds. I will continue to try to appreciate these pages for their broken honesty (right after I scrub this ink from my skin) but I find myself still searching for the word “acceptance” between non-existent lines.

Addict

There are hurricanes and storms on distant planets that last for hundreds of years because there is nothing to stop them

And there is a whole universe surrounding us, carrying on regardless of our problems

Stars look down upon us from the future and only see ashes, the dust of wishes long dead float past

We are a blink in the timeline of the galaxy and yet have the audacity to seek purpose within our own brief time

The curse of human nature is that we can make anything real if we believe in it enough

And I believe this hurricane raging inside of me has been tearing me apart for years

Because for years I have been empty with no substance to me

And for years I believed I was nothing, so I became nothing, and the hurricane raged on because there was nothing to stop it

We are a generation that is ready to die but none of us are ready to live

Too scared to let go of the demons of our adolescence

Who hold our hand when we feel lonely

We believe we deserve to be sick, feeling okay can’t be right, there must be another thing wrong

So we seek to find tragedy in happiness just to feel we are not losing ourselves

We keep the hurricanes beneath our skin spinning with thoughts that viciously tear away at flesh and slowly wear down bone

A sense of worthlessness so real that you convince even those who love you not to look into the eye of the storm lest they lose a limb

Or a heart

Hope is a word that sounds nice but echos back when I say it too loudly and it terrifies me to hear my voices sound nothing like my mind

Love is something I question and desperately seek  to find but flinch away from when I feel its touch  on this bruised heart

I find it unsettling because I chose to be a ghost and as detached from the world as I am I should not be able to feel anything

It is easier to turn happiness away than it is to lose it, easier to explain away these irking flutters of emotion with hard logic than face them with soft vulnerability

There is a whole other world in which I live that is separate from the reality others share, and it is dying

I know the reason, but playing God and controlling the destruction is the drug of choice here

An addiction to misery, a preference to feel pain over pleasure

Because in the end, this low is my high

When life gives you Hell, become the Devil.

Wicked Little Habits

You tell yourself you’re better off alone

That everything is temporary

Yet find yourself creating ghosts

Just to keep you company

Go ahead then

Push everyone you love away

Just to know you can survive

The hole they’ll leave one day

Keep wandering from place to place

Too scared to put down roots

Cause caring is like Russian Roulette

You shoot, click, shoot, click, shoot, click,

Boom

Demolition

What moment was it

When I turned on this skin

My mind became deranged

A rabid beast set loose within

It wasn’t always like this

 

Consuming hate

For this enemy of flesh

Wherever I go

Reflections of disgust follow

Mortification of the mind

Vicious torture so refined

 

Self destruction is an art

You do it piece by piece

Until you fall apart

In love with the game

You go right back to the start

Piece by piece

Part by part

 

When did I realize

I couldn’t be enough

Suddenly inadequate

Undeserving of love

I wasn’t always like this

 

Poisoned thoughts

Seeds planted in a kiss

I’ll let the ones too close go

Push until they’re convinced

A life without me is bliss

I have no hold on happiness

 

Self destruction is an art

Lose yourself piece by piece

Rip into your heart

You are your punishment

Let it heal, then restart

Piece by piece

Part by part

Ruins and Graves

Gasoline spit

Words like matches

I’m screaming through fire

Crying into ashes

~

Severed connections

All around me bridges burn

Swear I didn’t want this

A lesson I never learned

~

Pyre of solitude

Flames crash in blue waves

There’s nothing left

But ruins and graves

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