FROM FIRE TO ASHES

Simply me and my musings

Reincarnation

Perhaps we were not made to survive

But to live and gain so that we may once again die

The death of a body for a fuller soul, a greater divine

~

These bones say I have lived a thousand lives

And this weary heart can feel the crushing weight of time

This body is a stranger, I have only my mind

~

It is all I can say to explain this yearning, this drive

For something just beyond my reach, both ahead and behind

As if I were a broken existence waiting to align

~

Perhaps I wish to end simply so that I may arrive

Maybe the home I seek is found between vitality and cessation

In a tapestry of souls beautifully intertwined

I Need to Take My Own Advice

“I think the best thing to do in this situation, if you feel you are not good enough for your partner and if you look in the mirror and can’t find the wonderful person they insist they see, look harder. Start actively trying to find that person. Push past your flaws and insecurities, past your storms and past your demons. Look far and wide within yourself for a glimpse of that amazing, beautiful soul with your name that they talk about with such love. Start trying to learn to love that person too.”

Love Sick

I don’t know how to name this feeling: I have this constant wave of tears in my throat, this heavy knot in my stomach, this feeling of impending doom. I never let anyone close to me, not really, and now that you have managed to fill that void I tried so hard to maintain I can’t contain the monster that tells me you’re too close, too close, too close. It has almost been a year. I have always been bad with dates but I remember this one. I know it means nothing to you, but for someone who has only found solace in the temporary your growing permanence is unsettling. My heart tells me that even if it is temporary that I need to accept this as a lesson, that even if it is a mistake I will come out of this for the better and grow as a person. But my mind tells me it is an unnecessary pain that I don’t need, pain I swore I would avoid at all costs. No one tells you how it feels to be love sick. I am constantly split between being at my best and being at my worst. I keep telling myself that it is just the honeymoon stage, an illusion of something real that will shatter when things get “complicated”. I tell myself that I am still young and years down the line your name will just be a memory I smile at; the words “first love” will come to mind and I will laugh at the thought that I ever believed I knew what love was at this age. I’ll have a moment of nostalgia as fleeting as our days will seem to me then and it will pass as our time together will have. Yet, another part of me screams that this is the most real thing in my life and that I need to hold onto it for as long as possible, that holding onto this is possible. My present and future are at war. I can see us so clearly now, but when I think about anything in the days to come I fall into despair. I can only see what I have always seen in my future– a life spent better off alone. Perhaps it is because I can’t shake the feeling that I do not belong with you, that there is no room for me by your side. Then again, I have only ever belonged to myself, to this ticklish brush of darkness within. Maybe that is why I can’t see a future with you, I simply don’t know how to belong. I have yet to relinquish this hold I have on myself, how could I ever be with someone else? Maybe that is this feeling. I am cheating on Misery with far better company, you, and Misery is wreaking havoc within in protest. I am looking for a cure, searching for a way to rid myself of this heavy hold, for a way I can let myself belong to you. I am trying to get better for me, for you, for us, but I am sick.

Oh, I am sick.

Broken

Today I realized I lost more weight

I looked at my bones lovingly

Feeling their hardness with a gentle touch

But just above my hip bones was soft

And my fingers clawed at it as if to say

Not enough! Not enough!


Today I was reminded of my inadequacy

And swept up in a violent, vivid fantasy

My vision ran red and my wrists began to ache

I kept my sunglasses on for the rest of the day

Hoping no one would see my eyes screaming

I want to die! I want to die!

Today my anxiety struck me while in class

Hands shaking, breath struggling, eyes tearing

I was desperate to leave, to escape

Instead I dug my nails into my palm

Focusing only on the pain and chanting

Control yourself! Control yourself!

Today I walked home alone with my thoughts

Not caring about the growing darkness

(The darkness within myself was far greater)

How I wish to be released from this world

To be set free from this hellish purgatory

Let me go!

Please…let me go.

Longing

I crave something more

Something tangible

A place of irrefutable existence

A dwelling that is permanent

A niche I cannot deny my belonging to

I think it sounds a lot like the word

home.

(I hope I can find it with you)

Nomadic Tendencies

My heart has nomadic tendencies. I find myself always wandering; always wondering if the idea of “home” will ever be more than just a dream. I see everything as temporary and I am never in one place for long before I feel as though I do no belong, before something tells me to move on. I only ever feel at peace thousands of feet above cities, dancing across the clouds, miles and miles being torn away beneath. Another stop, another try, but like a bird with clipped wings I only yearn for the sky and the promise of elsewhere. I can feel the feathers emerging once again; deep within I know every place I go I am destined to leave. I simply cannot resist the horizon calling to me.

Me, Myself and Misery

For a while I was better

I learned to stay in one place

Even quieted my demons

But living requires so much pain

 

It became too much

I ran back to my oldest friend

Seduced into disappearing

I’m barely holding onto my sanity

 

I tell myself it’s fine

That I am in good company

I tell myself it’s fine, it’s fine

It’s fine to lose my mind

At least I know I’ll always have

Me, Myself and Misery

 

Now I wake up in the morning

Dreaming of never waking again

Yearning for an escape

From my own sick existence

 

My body burns with envy

For everything I am not

The flames of my inadequacy

Tear down bridges, one by one

 

Why must your bridge refuse to fall?

My tongue drips gasoline

But you deny me a spark

Perhaps I should just jump

 

I tell myself it’s fine

That I am in good company

I tell myself it’s fine, it’s fine

It’s fine to feel dead inside

At least I know I’ll always have

Me, Myself and Misery

 

You can’t see this is for you

Love is blind, I’m sorry

One day you’ll realize your mistake

One day you’ll see what I see

 

But I won’t hurt you to hurt me

I just want what’s best for you

I guess I love you more

Than I loathe myself

 

So I’ll kiss like heaven

While suffering in hell

Until you’re sick of purgatory

And ask to be set free

 

I tell myself it’s fine

That I am in good company

I tell myself it’s fine, it’s fine

It’s fine when they all leave

At least I know I’ll always have

Me, Myself and Misery

I Am Not Doing Well

This sense of worthlessness

Has been relentless;

The emptiness–

So vicious.

I find myself slipping,

Close my eyes gently;

These thoughts that rage–

So deadly.

State of Mind

Two lovers at war

Two states of mind

With one I am all grins

Life seems fine until

From no where

Happiness seems like

A sin

 

On those mornings

I wake knowing the

One I love lies ahead

But from the darkness

Another whispers

“It’s just one day, stay

In bed”

 

Lately I’ve been

In the wrong state of mind

All the time

All the fucking time

But he tells me it’s okay

As long as I am his

And he is mine

 

I find myself

Struggling for help

Drowning at the sink

In one hand

A shaking knife

In the other hand

A drink

 

Suddenly

Embraced by him

In shadows once again

He tells me

Alcohol’s the help,

And the blade is just

A friend

 

Lately I’ve been

In the wrong state of mind

All the time

All the fucking time

But he tells me it’s okay

As long as I am only his

And he is only mine

 

If I leave the door

Cracked in fool’s hope

He’s sure to shut it tight

Says I only need

Him to survive

Such a sadness feels

So right

 

No one could want

Someone like me

He’s my one and only

Without him

I might be freed

But who wants a freedom

So lonely?

 

Lately I’ve been

In the wrong state of mind

All the time

All the fucking time

But he tells me it’s okay

For I’ll always be his

And he forever mine

 

1 a.m.

High off your love, it’s

Intoxicating

The world so far away

Your hands touching every right place

Giving into desire, I’m

Fading

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