FROM FIRE TO ASHES

Simply me and my musings

Piece of Mind

I abandoned something long ago

A piece of my mind

A part of my soul

Once an easy careless daze

I’m lost within this haze

Trapped in my ways

 

I’ve tried to kill my demons

But I’m nothing without them

We were once friends

They made me who I am

I can’t escape their grasp

A prisoner to debts of my past

 

Struggling to move forward

When I can only see behind

Am I too far gone within this darkness

Or am I merely blind?

I’m just trying to find

My peace of mind

 

I did what I had to survive

To keep breathing

I let a part of me die

Now I weep at its grave

Wish to once again feel alive

But all I feel is dead inside

 

I’ve tried to shake this sickness

To leave all I’ve known

But I’m stuck in its hold

And it won’t let me go

Like quicksand ever time I rise

Slowly I’m pulled back down below

 

My sanity is Hell’s permanent guest

My soul damned to lie in bitter unrest

Consumed by this darkness

Lost and blind

Hopelessly searching for

My piece of mind

run

have you ever showered because you hate crying and have no where else to fall apart quietly without anyone knowing have you turned the shower on as hot as it will go to try and burn your demons away have you sat under the scorching water pulling your knees to your chest as tightly as you can hoping if you make yourself small enough you will vanish  have you found yourself whispering visciouly “I just want to disappear” in a plea almost like a prayer to any diety that might take pity on you and grant your wish have you envisioned the water swallowing you whole or running an angry red or full of powder as a few stray pills disintegrate and fade as you wish to have you wanted to leave everything and everyone in any way possible but you can’t escape fast enough have you felt so stuck within yourself that you turn on yourself and find the only place to hide is further within so you run and run deeper and deeper until you are a small speck of consciousness within the vast darkness and suddenly the water is no longer hot and the tears no longer fall and you sit in utter silence with your eyes closed and head on your knees numb to everything but the water falling on you like rain

Dark Vision

You’re wasting your love

Wasting your breath

I’m too far gone

Within this sick mindset

 

I’ve tried to find love for this skin

Yet I only find loathing, sorrow, and pain

How could someone ever love something so vacant?

Of everything good I’m suddenly undeserving

My mind is shrouded by a  selective mist

Darkness creeps silently into my vision

I wake up and hate myself for it

Wishing I would have never risen

 

You’re wasting your love

Wasting your breath

I’m too far gone

Within this sick mindset

 

I am not enough, not right for you

And though I try I never will be

Better options lie at your fingertips

Don’t settle for less than you deserve

I am an illusion of ideal, an idea you augment

But I will come up short without fail

My burden will grow heavier until you’re left

With only regret and disappointment

 

You’re wasting your love

Wasting your breath

I’m too far gone

Within this sick mindset

 

You might think you are in love me

But you’ll find it merely a passing infatuation

One day you will laugh at the thought of

Having ever been able to belive otherwise

And I will drown in bittersweet relief

Knowing you will have finally realized

You’re better off, as all are,

With anyone but me

 

Mirror Image

Fucked up, disgusting, rotting mess

Gnarled hands tug at too much flesh

A heavy heart hurts from love’s slow beating

Lungs burn at the accusation of breathing

If only I could eradicate my existence

Greatest Enemy, Dearest Friend

Staring into the mirror I see my greatest enemy, my dearest friend, hating every inch of skin, carefully trying to make amends. I hold others like newborn swallows yet do not know how to speak gently to the child beneath my own ribs. I stifle its cries, point out every flaw, tear through flesh with my eyes; I guess that makes me abusive. But words don’t leave bruises and though self loathing hurts, the pain is easier to bear when I know I deserve it. To push myself over the brink so that I might drown and sink to my lowest is somewhat of a comfort. Knowing things can’t get worse and that I couldn’t feel any more hurt than this is the only way to escape. Running is so tiring, my sorrow so alluring; to lie and die with Misery once again is the easiest way to stop feeling.

I think I was made to disappear. I cannot stay in one place too long before I begin to lose all I dare hold dear and fade from the world. It is not that I wish to let go, to die, I simply despise being alive, if I could only cease to exist…how soothing it would be to quietly slip into the night. Living in a dark void sounds rather pleasant; to float in nothingness, rather divine. My bones feel hollow– they echo and ache. This body is made up of odds and ends and expectations, with nothing being truly my own. There is no piece of me I love and yet every inch, I loathe. This heart has never felt the peace of a home. I fear I will never belong to anyone for too long; holding onto a ghost is no easy task, I hear. I try my best to put my demons to sleep so that I might not fear loving deeply, but they escape my grasp and remind me how lovely it is to be lonely. I am fading again.

I had learned how to live with my sorrows– I can feed my demons just long enough to sate their appetite, just long enough to hurt just right. Flirting with Misery has made it such an easy lover to run back to when I can no longer fight to keep breathing in life. Being dead inside was the only way I could survive drowning, but now I’m dry and I’ve forgotten how to be alive. My lungs are exhausted, heaving oxygen when they had grown used to water. My body feels heavy on this dry land after floating for years through the trenches of the sea. If only others could see what I see, just how disgusting this rotting embodiment of flaws can be; perhaps then they would realize they do not love me after all. I can hardly withstand being with me, myself, and I. I am the heaviest burden I bear. How could anyone else live with a pile of despair and call it beautiful? How could they sense such a sickness within and proclaim their love? I do not belong amongst the living. I do not belong by anyone’s side. I am an excess burden to bear, I beg you, hold me no longer for your own sake. I would rather tell you the mistake that I am before you waste your time. I’d rather you cast me aside now with pain in your eyes than later with a familiar look of regret and disappointment.

Anxiety

Always aware of this desperate need

for that which I can never name.

A constant panic inside my chest

that I can neither soothe nor tame.

Friday Night Lover

You thought you could be different

That perhaps you would get better with time

Filled yourself with this false hopes of adequacy

Recited all your prayers, all your lines

You poor pathetic creature

You will never feel the warmth of light

Your soul belongs to darkness

It is time to give up your sad little fight

I know you best through years of pain

How could you ever think you could be enough?

You may keep trying to be something more

But deep down you know you can never truly be loved

You are a fucking disgrace with no worth

Go ahead, dig your nails into a fist

It won’t stop the truth of my words

It won’t stop the thoughts of red wrists

I am the only one who will take you now

They are better off without you, don’t you see?

I will keep you safe and care for you

If you promise to stop trying to leave

You wandered so far from your place, my pet

It is time to climb back into this bed of dark blue

You were not meant to be with another in this world

Come, lie with me once more and escape into darker hues

Reincarnation

Perhaps we were not made to survive

But to live and gain so that we may once again die

The death of a body for a fuller soul, a greater divine

~

These bones say I have lived a thousand lives

And this weary heart can feel the crushing weight of time

This body is a stranger, I have only my mind

~

It is all I can say to explain this yearning, this drive

For something just beyond my reach, both ahead and behind

As if I were a broken existence waiting to align

~

Perhaps I wish to end simply so that I may arrive

Maybe the home I seek is found between vitality and cessation

In a tapestry of souls beautifully intertwined

I Need to Take My Own Advice

“I think the best thing to do in this situation, if you feel you are not good enough for your partner and if you look in the mirror and can’t find the wonderful person they insist they see, look harder. Start actively trying to find that person. Push past your flaws and insecurities, past your storms and past your demons. Look far and wide within yourself for a glimpse of that amazing, beautiful soul with your name that they talk about with such love. Start trying to learn to love that person too.”

Love Sick

I don’t know how to name this feeling: I have this constant wave of tears in my throat, this heavy knot in my stomach, this feeling of impending doom. I never let anyone close to me, not really, and now that you have managed to fill that void I tried so hard to maintain I can’t contain the monster that tells me you’re too close, too close, too close. It has almost been a year. I have always been bad with dates but I remember this one. I know it means nothing to you, but for someone who has only found solace in the temporary your growing permanence is unsettling. My heart tells me that even if it is temporary that I need to accept this as a lesson, that even if it is a mistake I will come out of this for the better and grow as a person. But my mind tells me it is an unnecessary pain that I don’t need, pain I swore I would avoid at all costs. No one tells you how it feels to be love sick. I am constantly split between being at my best and being at my worst. I keep telling myself that it is just the honeymoon stage, an illusion of something real that will shatter when things get “complicated”. I tell myself that I am still young and years down the line your name will just be a memory I smile at; the words “first love” will come to mind and I will laugh at the thought that I ever believed I knew what love was at this age. I’ll have a moment of nostalgia as fleeting as our days will seem to me then and it will pass as our time together will have. Yet, another part of me screams that this is the most real thing in my life and that I need to hold onto it for as long as possible, that holding onto this is possible. My present and future are at war. I can see us so clearly now, but when I think about anything in the days to come I fall into despair. I can only see what I have always seen in my future– a life spent better off alone. Perhaps it is because I can’t shake the feeling that I do not belong with you, that there is no room for me by your side. Then again, I have only ever belonged to myself, to this ticklish brush of darkness within. Maybe that is why I can’t see a future with you, I simply don’t know how to belong. I have yet to relinquish this hold I have on myself, how could I ever be with someone else? Maybe that is this feeling. I am cheating on Misery with far better company, you, and Misery is wreaking havoc within in protest. I am looking for a cure, searching for a way to rid myself of this heavy hold, for a way I can let myself belong to you. I am trying to get better for me, for you, for us, but I am sick.

Oh, I am sick.

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