You had always told me you felt my love was unconditional; I desperately wish you hadn’t been right.
I lost your love in a day. To be ripped from the warmth of your embrace and left at the mercy of calloused and cold hands– I caught frost bite almost instantly and turned a lovely shade of blue. There is nothing like an emotional bruise, the throbbing pain only you feel but have no way to heal. I tried to cling to you but my fingers had grown numb.
How could you turn from me so easily? How could you ignore the first night we kissed when we were all drunken tongues and secrets?
I can recall so clearly the night you grabbed my hand as I walked away and pulled me back to you…that was the first time you said you loved me. What I didn’t tell you was how I saw it in your softened gaze and heard it in the breath you drew and how before you had even made a sound, I already knew. I remember skipping all the way home, the moon’s glow a spotlight to let everyone know I was enamored. I had found love.
I remember all the times you whispered it into my skin between a kiss or a caress. I could feel it in the way I would sometimes burn under the intensity of your gaze, in the way you held me in your sleep, in the way you treated me so affectionately. You used words that had always tasted bitter to me–words like “home” and “us” and “perfect”, words that told of a grand future–but on your lips they tasted sweet.
Now you say you love me and your eyes are as hard as stone. You don’t take a breath before you say it; instead it comes out in a rush, like a bullet being forced from a gun. Your kiss is different too, it’s similar to how one would kiss their spouse of 25 years as they leave to go meet with their lover. Lately it seems you never look at me if you don’t have to and when you do I only shiver. You sleep on the opposite side of the bed turned away from me. You treat me as if I have performed some cardinal sin but won’t tell me what it is.
If only I could blame you for making me believe I could possibly be worth something, but I should have known better. You made me feel like your love was never ending (my spirits soared in a rush of immortality); you made me believe we would carry on together with our heads in the clouds and the world at our feet. How naive of me. I should have never let my rationality get lost in thoughts of you, I should have never let my heart run away to another cage.
I can feel it cowering now, exhausted from the torture– a prisoner of war.
I had always felt the trepidation in the back of my throat, the one that caused my voice to tremble and crack when I asked if you truly loved me. Now it has my whole being shaking. I always knew I was not enough for you, that I was not the one who you would wake up to in the years to come.
I knew one day you would see it too; I desperately wish I hadn’t been right.