FROM FIRE TO ASHES

Simply me and my musings

Me, Myself and Misery

For a while I was better

I learned to stay in one place

Even quieted my demons

But living requires so much pain

 

It became too much

I ran back to my oldest friend

Seduced into disappearing

I’m barely holding onto my sanity

 

I tell myself it’s fine

That I am in good company

I tell myself it’s fine, it’s fine

It’s fine to lose my mind

At least I know I’ll always have

Me, Myself and Misery

 

Now I wake up in the morning

Dreaming of never waking again

Yearning for an escape

From my own sick existence

 

My body burns with envy

For everything I am not

The flames of my inadequacy

Tear down bridges, one by one

 

Why must your bridge refuse to fall?

My tongue drips gasoline

But you deny me a spark

Perhaps I should just jump

 

I tell myself it’s fine

That I am in good company

I tell myself it’s fine, it’s fine

It’s fine to feel dead inside

At least I know I’ll always have

Me, Myself and Misery

 

You can’t see this is for you

Love is blind, I’m sorry

One day you’ll realize your mistake

One day you’ll see what I see

 

But I won’t hurt you to hurt me

I just want what’s best for you

I guess I love you more

Than I loathe myself

 

So I’ll kiss like heaven

While suffering in hell

Until you’re sick of purgatory

And ask to be set free

 

I tell myself it’s fine

That I am in good company

I tell myself it’s fine, it’s fine

It’s fine when they all leave

At least I know I’ll always have

Me, Myself and Misery

I Am Not Doing Well

This sense of worthlessness

Has been relentless;

The emptiness–

So vicious.

I find myself slipping,

Close my eyes gently;

These thoughts that rage–

So deadly.

State of Mind

Two lovers at war

Two states of mind

With one I am all grins

Life seems fine until

From no where

Happiness seems like

A sin

 

On those mornings

I wake knowing the

One I love lies ahead

But from the darkness

Another whispers

“It’s just one day, stay

In bed”

 

Lately I’ve been

In the wrong state of mind

All the time

All the fucking time

But he tells me it’s okay

As long as I am his

And he is mine

 

I find myself

Struggling for help

Drowning at the sink

In one hand

A shaking knife

In the other hand

A drink

 

Suddenly

Embraced by him

In shadows once again

He tells me

Alcohol’s the help,

And the blade is just

A friend

 

Lately I’ve been

In the wrong state of mind

All the time

All the fucking time

But he tells me it’s okay

As long as I am only his

And he is only mine

 

If I leave the door

Cracked in fool’s hope

He’s sure to shut it tight

Says I only need

Him to survive

Such a sadness feels

So right

 

No one could want

Someone like me

He’s my one and only

Without him

I might be freed

But who wants a freedom

So lonely?

 

Lately I’ve been

In the wrong state of mind

All the time

All the fucking time

But he tells me it’s okay

For I’ll always be his

And he forever mine

 

1 a.m.

High off your love, it’s

Intoxicating

The world so far away

Your hands touching every right place

Giving into desire, I’m

Fading

Death’s Song

Lay me now, my demons, to sleep

Sing to me lullabies of inadequacy

I know the words, I’ll hum along

Broken notes drip off a bleeding tongue

 

Awaken the monster with your melody

Ask him if he wants to play with me

I know the game, I’ll play too

After all, thoughts don’t leave a bruise

 

Going about my day I’ll bob my head

To the catchy chorus “you’re better off dead”

I know the bridge, I’ll readily transcend

Over the edge towards the song’s end

Rabid Mind

I do not think I will ever feel I am good enough for anyone. My life is ruled by every cruel inadequacy of my character– every flaw is sure to make itself known to me. I am like a trapped animal in a constant state of anxiety: gnawing the bars of my ribbed cage, clawing at any soft flesh that might give way, starving for escape. I fear my mind has caused me to become rabid; I cannot think of anything except all I am not, I cannot feel anything but this slow panic. I am suffocating.

I do not understand how to love any more than I understand how to be loved.

-A simple truth that burns my throat

Ceaselessly

I wish to kiss you

as the waves kiss the shore:

once, again,

once, again,

once again more.

Descent

I never hurt myself in ways

that other souls could see.

I’d go about it quietly,

almost silently,

heard Mamma call it

Mental instability“.

At night she’d soothe my cries

when the voices screamed inside my mind

It’s not leaving if there’s nothing left behind!

But Daddy decided not to listen,

says I’m just trying to get attention.

A bloody angel on the linoleum floor,

sorry Daddy, I’m an attention whore.

Rushed to the hospital,

can’t stop the giddy laughter.

The darkness was coming faster,

faster!

Sick in the head!

the doctor said.

The voices are pretend!

Mama pled.

Daddy yelled,

You’re better off dead!

Off I was whisked to my padded home,

left in a room alone,

alone.

The voices grew,

the darkness too.

We’ll make you better

they said, but I knew,

magic pills were too good to be true.

They said, they said,

they fucking said,

and all of them,

they fucking lied!

Let them fix me!

Let them try!

I’ll get the last laugh

for soon they’ll find

They’re too late,

I’ve been long dead,

it’s just a slow suicide.

Dusting

The shadows I seek are no longer there

for I’ve long since lighted the room.

But upon occasion,

a flickering light,

followed by a sense of impending doom

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