FROM FIRE TO ASHES

Simply me and my musings

Trepidation

You had always told me you felt my love was unconditional; I desperately wish you hadn’t been right.

I lost your love in a day. To be ripped from the warmth of your embrace and left at the mercy of calloused and cold hands– I caught frost bite almost instantly and turned a lovely shade of blue. There is nothing like an emotional bruise, the throbbing pain only you feel but have no way to heal. I tried to cling to you but my fingers had grown numb.

How could you turn from me so easily? How could you ignore the first night we kissed when we were all drunken tongues and secrets?

I can recall so clearly the night you grabbed my hand as I walked away and pulled me back to you…that was the first time you said you loved me. What I didn’t tell you was how I saw it in your softened gaze and heard it in the breath you drew and how before you had even made a sound, I already knew. I remember skipping all the way home, the moon’s glow a spotlight to let everyone know I was enamored. I had found love.

I remember all the times you whispered it into my skin between a kiss or a caress. I could feel it in the way I would sometimes burn under the intensity of your gaze, in the way you held me in your sleep, in the way you treated me so affectionately. You used words that had always tasted bitter to me–words like “home” and “us” and “perfect”, words that told of a grand future–but on your lips they tasted sweet.

Now you say you love me and your eyes are as hard as stone. You don’t take a breath before you say it; instead it comes out in a rush, like a bullet being forced from a gun. Your kiss is different too, it’s similar to how one would kiss their spouse of 25 years as they leave to go meet with their lover. Lately it seems you never look at me if you don’t have to and when you do I only shiver. You sleep on the opposite side of the bed turned away from me. You treat me as if I have performed some cardinal sin but won’t tell me what it is.

If only I could blame you for making me believe I could possibly be worth something, but I should have known better. You made me feel like your love was never ending (my spirits soared in a rush of immortality); you made me believe we would carry on together with our heads in the clouds and the world at our feet. How naive of me. I should have never let my rationality get lost in thoughts of you, I should have never let my heart run away to another cage.

I can feel it cowering now, exhausted from the torture– a prisoner of war.

I had always felt the trepidation in the back of my throat, the one that caused my voice to tremble and crack when I asked if you truly loved me. Now it has my whole being shaking. I always knew I was not enough for you, that I was not the one who you would wake up to in the years to come.

I knew one day you would see it too; I desperately wish I hadn’t been right.

Nomadic Tendencies

My heart has nomadic tendencies. I find myself always wandering; always wondering if the idea of “home” will ever be more than just a dream. I see everything as temporary and I am never in one place for long before I feel as though I do no belong, before something tells me to move on. I only ever feel at peace thousands of feet above cities, dancing across the clouds, miles and miles being torn away beneath. Another stop, another try, but like a bird with clipped wings I only yearn for the sky and the promise of elsewhere. I can feel the feathers emerging once again; deep within I know every place I go I am destined to leave. I simply cannot resist the horizon calling to me.

Me, Myself and Misery

For a while I was better

I learned to stay in one place

Even quieted my demons

But living requires so much pain

 

It became too much

I ran back to my oldest friend

Seduced into disappearing

I’m barely holding onto my sanity

 

I tell myself it’s fine

That I am in good company

I tell myself it’s fine, it’s fine

It’s fine to lose my mind

At least I know I’ll always have

Me, Myself and Misery

 

Now I wake up in the morning

Dreaming of never waking again

Yearning for an escape

From my own sick existence

 

My body burns with envy

For everything I am not

The flames of my inadequacy

Tear down bridges, one by one

 

Why must your bridge refuse to fall?

My tongue drips gasoline

But you deny me a spark

Perhaps I should just jump

 

I tell myself it’s fine

That I am in good company

I tell myself it’s fine, it’s fine

It’s fine to feel dead inside

At least I know I’ll always have

Me, Myself and Misery

 

You can’t see this is for you

Love is blind, I’m sorry

One day you’ll realize your mistake

One day you’ll see what I see

 

But I won’t hurt you to hurt me

I just want what’s best for you

I guess I love you more

Than I loathe myself

 

So I’ll kiss like heaven

While suffering in hell

Until you’re sick of purgatory

And ask to be set free

 

I tell myself it’s fine

That I am in good company

I tell myself it’s fine, it’s fine

It’s fine when they all leave

At least I know I’ll always have

Me, Myself and Misery

I Am Not Doing Well

This sense of worthlessness

Has been relentless;

The emptiness–

So vicious.

I find myself slipping,

Close my eyes gently;

These thoughts that rage–

So deadly.

State of Mind

Two lovers at war

Two states of mind

With one I am all grins

Life seems fine until

From no where

Happiness seems like

A sin

 

On those mornings

I wake knowing the

One I love lies ahead

But from the darkness

Another whispers

“It’s just one day, stay

In bed”

 

Lately I’ve been

In the wrong state of mind

All the time

All the fucking time

But he tells me it’s okay

As long as I am his

And he is mine

 

I find myself

Struggling for help

Drowning at the sink

In one hand

A shaking knife

In the other hand

A drink

 

Suddenly

Embraced by him

In shadows once again

He tells me

Alcohol’s the help,

And the blade is just

A friend

 

Lately I’ve been

In the wrong state of mind

All the time

All the fucking time

But he tells me it’s okay

As long as I am only his

And he is only mine

 

If I leave the door

Cracked in fool’s hope

He’s sure to shut it tight

Says I only need

Him to survive

Such a sadness feels

So right

 

No one could want

Someone like me

He’s my one and only

Without him

I might be freed

But who wants a freedom

So lonely?

 

Lately I’ve been

In the wrong state of mind

All the time

All the fucking time

But he tells me it’s okay

For I’ll always be his

And he forever mine

 

1 a.m.

High off your love, it’s

Intoxicating

The world so far away

Your hands touching every right place

Giving into desire, I’m

Fading

Death’s Song

Lay me now, my demons, to sleep

Sing to me lullabies of inadequacy

I know the words, I’ll hum along

Broken notes drip off a bleeding tongue

 

Awaken the monster with your melody

Ask him if he wants to play with me

I know the game, I’ll play too

After all, thoughts don’t leave a bruise

 

Going about my day I’ll bob my head

To the catchy chorus “you’re better off dead”

I know the bridge, I’ll readily transcend

Over the edge towards the song’s end

Rabid Mind

I do not think I will ever feel I am good enough for anyone. My life is ruled by every cruel inadequacy of my character– every flaw is sure to make itself known to me. I am like a trapped animal in a constant state of anxiety: gnawing the bars of my ribbed cage, clawing at any soft flesh that might give way, starving for escape. I fear my mind has caused me to become rabid; I cannot think of anything except all I am not, I cannot feel anything but this slow panic. I am suffocating.

I do not understand how to love any more than I understand how to be loved.

-A simple truth that burns my throat

Ceaselessly

I wish to kiss you

as the waves kiss the shore:

once, again,

once, again,

once again more.

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