Tether

Sometimes I’m filled

With such emptiness

I float away, so far

Yet without fail

You pull me back

Smiling, saying, “There you are”

Twenties

I’ve grown up,

or something like that.

There’s more skin, more bone

, more, more, more of me

yet nothing of my own.

Could’a Would’a Should’a

‪I don’t know how to feel so I won’t‬

‪No… I wouldn’t‬

‪I always knew I couldn’t‬

‪But…perhaps I had‬

‪So, what was that?‬

Little Me

A little more them, a little less me

That’s how you thought it had to be

You nourish, they flourish,

Leave you with one less piece

You’ve become so small, little me

Raised to take up as little room

To give others space to grow

You turned your cries to whispers

Smothered flames into flickers

Learned to shrink into your sorrow

Now you’re alone with no one in need

Left as bones and dust, human debris

Nothing left for yourself

But hate and envy

You’ve become so small, little me

Drifter

From the darkness something calls to me

Calls me away from bed

Falling into myself, a despairing sea

Drowning in my imperfect treachery

I found Hell in my head

Now the Devil burdens my back

Whispers to me all my sins

His words of ice seep into my skin

Your arm’s around me

I’m drifting away

I feel you shiver in your sleep

You pull me closer anyway

I love you madly

But I’m insane

Can’t make sense of this heart or this brain

I know you love me

But I’m filled with self contempt

There’s no hope for me

My demon’s will never relent

It’s all consuming, the emptiness I feel

I crave the world on your tongue

Remind me I am still young

Convince me that it’s real

I love you badly

But I confess

I never meant to give you any less

I know you love me

But it turns to regret

I don’t have anything

To pay back this building debt

Hoping you’ll leave

Hoping you’ll stay

This sickness is controlling me

How viciously I sway

Pulling you closer

Pushing you away

Please believe I’m fighting

But I’m losing my way

I’m losing

Piece of Mind

I abandoned something long ago

A piece of my mind

A part of my soul

Once an easy careless daze

I’m lost within this haze

Trapped in my ways

 

I’ve tried to kill my demons

But I’m nothing without them

We were once friends

They made me who I am

I can’t escape their grasp

A prisoner to debts of my past

 

Struggling to move forward

When I can only see behind

Am I too far gone within this darkness

Or am I merely blind?

I’m just trying to find

My peace of mind

 

I did what I had to survive

To keep breathing

I let a part of me die

Now I weep at its grave

Wish to once again feel alive

But all I feel is dead inside

 

I’ve tried to shake this sickness

To leave all I’ve known

But I’m stuck in its hold

And it won’t let me go

Like quicksand ever time I rise

Slowly I’m pulled back down below

 

My sanity is Hell’s permanent guest

My soul damned to lie in bitter unrest

Consumed by this darkness

Lost and blind

Hopelessly searching for

My piece of mind

run

have you ever showered because you hate crying and have no where else to fall apart quietly without anyone knowing have you turned the shower on as hot as it will go to try and burn your demons away have you sat under the scorching water pulling your knees to your chest as tightly as you can hoping if you make yourself small enough you will vanish  have you found yourself whispering viciously “I just want to disappear” in a plea almost like a prayer to any deity that might take pity on you and grant your wish have you envisioned the water swallowing you whole or running an angry red or full of powder as a few stray pills disintegrate and fade as you wish to have you wanted to leave everything and everyone in any way possible but you can’t escape fast enough have you felt so stuck within yourself that you turn on yourself and find the only place to hide is further within so you run and run deeper and deeper until you are a small speck of consciousness within the vast darkness and suddenly the water is no longer hot and the tears no longer fall and you sit in utter silence with your eyes closed and head on your knees numb to everything but the water falling on you like rain

Dark Vision

I’ve tried to find love for this skin

Yet I only find loathing, sorrow, and pain

How could someone ever love something so vacant?

Of everything good I’m suddenly undeserving

My mind is shrouded by a  selective mist

Darkness creeps silently into my vision

I wake up and hate myself for it

Wishing I would have never risen

 

You’re wasting your love

Wasting your breath

I’m too far gone

Within this sick mindset

 

I am not enough, not right for you

And though I try I never will be

Better options lie at your fingertips

Don’t settle for less than you deserve

I am an illusion of ideal, an idea you augment

But I will come up short without fail

My burden will grow heavier until you’re left

With only regret and disappointment

 

You’re wasting your love

Wasting your breath

I’m too far gone

Within this sick mindset

 

You might think you are in love with me

But you’ll find it merely a passing infatuation

One day you will laugh at the thought of

Having ever been able to belive otherwise

And I will drown in bittersweet relief

Knowing you will have finally realized

You’re better off, as all are,

With anyone but me

 

Greatest Enemy, Dearest Friend

Staring into the mirror I see my greatest enemy, my dearest friend, hating every inch of skin, carefully trying to make amends. I hold others like newborn swallows yet do not know how to speak gently to the child beneath my own ribs. I stifle its cries, point out every flaw, tear through flesh with my eyes; I guess that makes me abusive. But words don’t leave bruises and though self loathing hurts, the pain is easier to bear when I know I deserve it. To push myself over the brink so that I might drown and sink to my lowest is somewhat of a comfort. Knowing things can’t get worse and that I couldn’t feel any more hurt than this is the only way to escape. Running is so tiring, my sorrow so alluring; to lie and die with Misery once again is the easiest way to stop feeling.

I think I was made to disappear. I cannot stay in one place too long before I begin to lose all I dare hold dear and fade from the world. It is not that I wish to let go, to die, I simply despise being alive. If I could only cease to exist…how soothing it would be to quietly slip into the night. Living in a dark void sounds rather pleasant; to float in nothingness, rather divine. My bones feel hollow– they echo and ache. This body is made up of odds and ends and expectations, with nothing being truly my own. There is no piece of me I love and yet every inch, I loathe. This heart has never felt the peace of a home. I fear I will never belong to anyone for too long; holding onto a ghost is no easy task, I hear. I try my best to put my demons to sleep so that I might not fear loving deeply, but they escape my grasp and remind me how lovely it is to be lonely. I am fading again.

I had learned how to live with my sorrows– I can feed my demons just long enough to sate their appetite, long enough to hurt just right. Flirting with Misery has made it such an easy lover to run back to when I can no longer fight to keep breathing in life. Being dead inside was the only way I could survive drowning, but now I’m dry and I’ve forgotten how to be alive. My lungs are exhausted, heaving oxygen when they had grown used to water. My body feels heavy on this dry land after floating for years through the trenches of the sea. If only others could see what I see, just how disgusting this rotting embodiment of flaws can be; perhaps then they would realize they do not love me after all. I can hardly withstand being with me, myself, and I. I am the heaviest burden I bear. How could anyone else live with a pile of despair and call it beautiful? How could they sense such a sickness within and proclaim their love? I do not belong amongst the living. I do not belong by anyone’s side. I am an excess burden to bear, I beg you, hold me no longer for your own sake. I would rather tell you the mistake that I am before you waste your time. I’d rather you cast me aside now with pain in your eyes than later with a familiar look of regret and disappointment.

I Am Not Doing Well

This sense of worthlessness

Has been relentless;

The emptiness–

So vicious.

I find myself slipping,

Close my eyes gently;

These thoughts that rage–

So deadly.