Tether

Sometimes I’m filled

With such emptiness

I float away, so far

Yet without fail

You pull me back

Smiling, saying, “There you are”

Triggered

“Keep it together.” She tells herself after three glasses of wine and spiraling out of control. Colliding with reality and theory, she wrestles with uncertainty. There’s no one there to help her when she’s drowning in insecurity for there’s no remedy to overthinking. Why can’t things be good, why can’t she be fine? Nothing is wrong, everything is going well yet she cannot divine why she feels the way she does. There’s nothing in her life but good fortune and love, yet in a moment demons creeps insidiously beneath her skin, whisper at her door, beg her to let them in like she did before. There is something so familiar in self loathing’s caress, something in her doubting, in her heart’s quiet unrest. She cannot escape, nothing she does is ever enough. Like the beach on a sunny day when the winds are icy cold, there’s a deceit to the warmth above– a warning of an undertow below. Pulled beneath so quickly, she can hardly stay abreast. Another glass of wine, another gasping breath. “Keep treading water!” From far away it’s all I can advise. I reach out as she goes under, gently framing her demise.

You / I

You

Fill every cracked piece of this broken heart

In return it shall never stray

With you it forever belongs

You say that’s a fair trade

But,

How can you love something bruised?

Something…dark?

What can I give in return

When I had nothing to start?

Well,

I’ll give all of my good morning’s

Every “good night” I have too

Take my days left on this earth

And this immense love I have for you

I

Feel it with every cracked piece of this broken heart

Regress

An emptiness so familiar

This contempt, a dear friend

A growing hole inside my soul

Has me feeling whole again

Never Mind

Forgive me, my love,

When I wander ‘way from home.

Know you’re always in my thoughts,

Though in this heart you feel alone.

Forgive me, my love,

Never mind that I can’t stay.

On my soul you have a claim;

To you, I’ll always find my way.

anxIous

solitude isn’t settling well with me and I must say this is a first. never has my heart met silence with such discomfort. it pulls and pushes against the cage in agitation like an animal before a disaster. something is wrong but I don’t understand the language. the only time I get a sense of the anguish is in the darkest hour when the world is the most quiet and I can hear the panic clawing its way out of my throat. between gasping breaths and bloody teeth I’m forced to concession- I can’t keep swallowing this fear forever.

Howl

Today, the world is too heavy.

I awoke to a tongue of stone

Mouth, gaping wide in agony

As women’s endless wails of grief

Slowly, bubbled up my throat.

x marks the spot

it’s strange to rest into someone

in a gesture so routine, so intimate

yet never feel further away

from who they once were to you

 

i guess there’s a comfort to familiarity

that sounds a lot like the whispers of love

and there’s an insidious delight to touch

that surpasses the rational senses

first love

oh, the sweet naivety

to believe a single love

could satisfy

the appetite of youth

Twenties

I’ve grown up,

or something like that.

There’s more skin, more bone

, more, more, more of me

yet nothing of my own.