FROM FIRE TO ASHES

Simply me and my musings

I hope you find the happiness I was never able to give you.

- Words you find yourself saying once you learn to forgive others and yourself.

I Am Not Blue

I am not sad

I am not a cookie cutter outline of a fleeting emotion

These are not the temporary hiccup tears of my youth

My lungs are filled with a flood of emotions and I am drowning, still they call it “blue”

I am not blue

I am red

I am cut by sharp words and bleed inadequacy in colors of fury

Letting the life drip out of me until it is outside of myself that I reside

Watch as others buzz around like flies on a carcass, feeding off the pain

I am not blue

I am purple

I am a fresh bruise and even a caring touch causes me to wince

The consequence of years of abuse from the demon my head

They say I must be broken since there is “no proof” of anything wrong

I am not blue

I am yellow

I am sickly skin disguised as sunshine in bright smiles and vacant eyes

A star’s faint light a midst the night even though it is dead inside

Trying to grant wish after wish whispered into the cracks of this coffin

I am not blue

I am black

I am all the colors, I am the absence of colors, feeling everything or nothing

With a heart full of sorrow so heavy and anguish so sharp

There is something dark inside of me and no one else can feel the coldness of its touch

But I am not blue

I am not blue

~

~

Dedicated: To anyone who has suffered a mental illness and has been told they are just “sad” and that they need to “get over it”. To anyone whose suffering has never been understood or treated as it should be. We are not simply “blue”, we are so much more than that. You are more than that. I hope you know someone out there understands and cares. I hope you know you are loved and that I believe in every single one of you.

That’s Gonna Leave a Scar

I hate how I taste your name when I read my poems with a bleeding tongue. Since the day we met I’ve spent hours and countless words trying to portray these feelings with black and white, dark and light. In loving a writer you are given immortality and being a writer in love I am given memories of sounds that will haunt me in my dreams. It seems so unfair to me.

You can sleep easy knowing you are my first for many things. Smile knowing I’ve kissed you the most, the hardest, the longest. You can laugh at how easily my hands shake and how quickly my eye contact will break, call my innocence cute. Some nights I lie awake thinking of your past and looking at your present only to find myself less and less. I will not be your first of anything, nor your last. You’ll forget me just as fast as the others. Is it so wrong of me to want to burn my name into your skin with my touch? My kiss? To want to leave you something to remember me by and reminisce?

You say you love me, I hate that I knew it before the words slipped past your guard, that I found them in your gaze, in your sigh. I do not doubt your love, I only doubt whether it is for me or the way I help you breathe when you are drowning. My heart believes you but my mind doesn’t understand. It reminds me that I’ve been here before, like the acidic taste that follows the memory of a bad night of drinking. I’ve learned people simply don’t want to be left in this frozen hell alone with sorrow and Misery. So they hold me like a purgatory, swearing they care and won’t leave only until they’re warm enough to feel their heartbeat, then I’m left for a life that can’t sustain a ghost like me.

You kiss my shoulder any time you leave the bed in the morning while I continue to sleep. You call me gorgeous, pretty, beautiful, amazing. You care for me so tenderly, hold me so carefully. The truth is you have made me feel like I matter, like for once I am enough. It is so utterly terrifying. Because time and time again these words have been proven to be false but something in the way you hold me tells me I was wrong.

Yet I know I am only a downgrade, a slip up in low times. I get that you need me for now until you can stand on your own fine. I will keep your bed warm until you find someone better who can keep it hot, someone who won’t cause you pain and doubt, who won’t make you feel caught between what you want and need.

I know when you leave it will have to be completely. Yet you are part of so much of my life, I’m afraid I will regress to being empty. I decided I could never leave you like the rest, but you said yourself you can’t be “just friends” with someone like me, although you have forgiven others for so much worse. It’s okay, I understand, my presence is something like a curse, so I’ve been told. Everyone I have left has been without a trace, I can never risk lingering. So don’t worry my darling, just ask, I’ve gotten damn good at disappearing.

Forgive me for my words my dear, tonight they’re seeking blood. For your own words watered this seed of doubt until there was a flood and my lungs can’t keep taking on water. What it comes down to is I know I will always see your name carved in my ribs like a doormat to my heart for every other passerby to see. At most you will feel the uncomfortable tug of a memory when you hear a ghost of a harmony in a fleeting moment of a song

before you change it and forget everything.

I am sitting here with you on my mind wishing you were on my skin instead.

Instability

When I hear nothing from you but misery and pain I go insane wishing there were a way to make you whole again. I think the root of your problem is me and it is only redemption I seek but I don’t know how to amend these things. Your silence is just so unnerving causing my fears to start stirring and the things my demons whisper sound so right, so alluring. I want to help but don’t want to get hurt. I want to love you but I want to render my emotions inert. I don’t want to be selfish and drag you down, I don’t want to fill your lungs with love if it will only cause you to drown. I’ll always do what’s best for you, just tell me because I don’t know what to do when the demons you deal with are my own too. Sometimes I believe your only reprieve is for me to leave and I can’t tell if it’s really for you

or really for me.

I am so afraid of disappearing, of being forgotten, yet sometimes that is all I want.

-fears, desires, and late night thoughts

Storm at Sea

I do not understand why you chose me. I do not understand how your voice can wrap around the words “I love you” and present them like a gift I don’t deserve.

I am the girl who lives like a storm, coming and going, leaving destruction in her wake. The girl who can’t love without pain and who can’t speak without venom dripping from her teeth. I carry this ocean of sorrow inside my chest, the waves of emotions pushing and waning, constantly wearing down these weary bones. I lick old wounds with salt on my tongue to remember the sting of the memories, remember why I deserve to suffer, remember that I am still a storm lost upon these seas.

Do you feel the thunder roaring beneath my skin? Can you taste the sorrow, so bitter, so sweet? Do you know just how deep these waters are that you are in?

Perhaps it is my embrace you come back to because you are like me.

Perhaps you cannot taste the ocean in a kiss without wanting to drown in the sea.

Sunday Afternoon

You are my favorite thing to wake up to

On a Sunday afternoon

While everyone else is at church

I seek my salvation upon your lips

Finding heaven when you speak in tongues

There, and there, and there

Wishing the Week Away

Monday
I miss the feel of you next to me

Tuesday
I see you even in my sleep

Wednesday
I think of you and you and you only

Thursday
I hear your doubtful words and feel lonely

Friday
I don’t know whether to hold you tight or set you free

Saturday
I drink in sadness yet still drown in you like the sea

Sunday
I wake up from the sweetest dream

To your arm around my waist, finding I am happier in reality

But when you kiss my neck and hold me tightly

Suddenly it hurts to breathe

Because you say you see no flaws in me

Yet there are so many, so goddamn many

So many reasons for you to leave

I know one day that you will understand and see…

I’m not sure I’ll be able to go back to being empty

What I Didn’t Say

The only thing I fear from you is absence

You slipping into the darkest corners of your mind

Leaving me to feel too much while you feel less

That one day, when I give you all my love,

I will await a return only to come up empty

Filled with nothing but regrets

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