FROM FIRE TO ASHES

Simply me and my musings

Reminder

Sometimes when I’m feeling numb

I like to hold my breath

Til’ my lungs are burning and my vision blurring

Simply to feel the flutter of death

Haunted Ghost

I swear you see ghosts

That much is clear

For you’ve always seen me

Even when I disappear

 

I have a love for distance

Find an allure in leaving

No matter where I am

It’s of elsewhere that I’m dreaming

 

I like being faint

And don’t mind being forgotten

But if I am the ghost

How is it I feel haunted?

 

I’m a nomadic ghost

But no matter how far I roam

I’m drawn back to the touch

That brings me to life

And the kiss

That tastes like home

Caring is Self Destruction

You told me you can’t stop feeling like you’re going to ruin our relationship

That your demons will drown me until you convince yourself

You have to leave you just so I can breathe

You said you didn’t want to do that to me

That you’re terrified of being the one to fuck what we have up

Your words held so much sorrow…

 

If it makes you less sad

I’ll hold the door open and make it

Easier for you to leave

I’ll lie and say I’m okay, I understand, we can still be friends

If it makes you less sad

I’ll make the decision mutual, no matter how hard it gets

To say the words or how heavy the door becomes

Or how much it will hurt when it shuts

And if it makes you feel less sad

I will toss my heart into the sea

And let it sink to the bottom

Just so you don’t have to worry about drowning me

Who Cares? I’m Empty Anyway

You’re just another knife who needs a sheath

and if it makes you happy

I’ll let you stab me in the side.

The back is already taken,

but there’s still some life left in me that can die.

Surviving Dying

When things get bad I just tell myself

Don’t cry yet, just wait until later

Wait until tonight

Wait until tomorrow

Wait

Wait

Wait

And by the time I am alone

With a moment

Of quiet

I find I have no tears left to shed

Only a heavy heart

And a raging storm of thoughts

Tossing it to and fro

 

What am I doing here?

Vulnerable

You hold the promise of us like a prayer upon your lips;

I can taste the hope, the weariness, the pleading,

in your feverish kiss.

-

When you say you care, from your heart sincerity drips;

I have tried my best to stop the bleeding…

but you don’t want it fixed.

Play Time

Your demons play

so well with my own;

they know my name

and call it home.

One of Those Nights

It has been a while but I can feel the sorrow sit heavy in my lungs like a thick fog, leaving no room for my anxiety to escape as I struggle to breath.

I hate that I feel this way because it means I care more than I thought I had let myself. My feelings are always under tight control but they’re slipping through my lips in gasps and I feel the buildup of pressure as they beat mercilessly behind my eyelids like the ocean wearing away at a cliff.

Staring into this raging storm, frothing just behind my teeth and sense of reason, I can’t help but remember how much easier it was to drown in that cold. Even the salt would taste sweet on my now bitter tongue.

I’m not proud of the shot of whiskey I took just to burn these words in my throat, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it to something with a heartbeat when I hardly feel my own.  Not right now. Not yet. I know how I am when I get like this and it is not good for anyone.

The fact is, I can never let myself be happy and I can never be happy with myself. I find little reminders in my day that tell me everything and everyone is temporary. I find subtle ways to push the ones I care about away until they are just a memory. I convince myself that I am better off alone because I am nothing but a burden to others. In some twisted way, I make it okay in my head because it seems I am doing everyone else a favor.

Really, I think I am just terrified of being hurt. Taking away my own happiness and controlling how much pain I am in somehow seems better than it happening unexpectedly by someone else’s hand.

How does one live like that? I think I broke a long time ago, and as much as I try to be better, I’m finding it is not as easy as I anticipated.

I’ve tried for others before and it has never been enough.

Whenever I pull myself up, I fall back even further. It’s the same every time. I do well for a while and something happens to remind me that it can all be gone in seconds. I loosen my grip on all things I hold dear so that, when that time comes, I will emerge unscathed.

You said you’ve thought about how we will end, how you believe it will be because either you will believe you are no good for me or I will. That I will get tired of your shit. You have no idea how nice it was to hear that from someone other than the voice in my head. I don’t think you understood just how much I could relate.

Livid

You fucking piece of shit.

How dare you say I never loved you.

You  left. You. Not me.

I loved you even when I was broken.

I cried for you, even though it’s the thing I hate doing the most.

Hours. Days. Weeks. Months. Years. All wasted on your wolf cries.

You had me fooled.

I’ll admit, I thought perhaps deep down you genuinely cared.

But it was all for you, to save the skin you were slashing at so recklessly.

You tied weights to your ankles then called out to me for help when you began to sink.

You said you wanted to die because you hated yourself .

I think you just really wanted to hurt everyone else.

Because you’d hold me under to keep yourself from drowning.

Countless mantras of encouragement passed my lips for hours from night into the early morning.

“I love you, you’re worth it, I’m here for you, keep breathing.”

Even after you said I didn’t matter, that I wasn’t enough.

Even though you made me feel worthless over and over again.

Yet you still have the audacity to say I never cared.

Bite your tongue off and swallow your own lesson.

Let it burn your throat as you choke on your lies and self pity.

Go ahead, keep crying wolf,

I know you like the attention.

For you, my heart will never again break.

You said I saved your life again and again,

well,

my mistake.

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