-fears, desires, and late night thoughts
-fears, desires, and late night thoughts
I do not understand why you chose me. I do not understand how your voice can wrap around the words “I love you” and present them like a gift I don’t deserve.
I am the girl who lives like a storm, coming and going, leaving destruction in her wake. The girl who can’t love without pain and who can’t speak without venom dripping from her teeth. I carry this ocean of sorrow inside my chest, the waves of emotions pushing and waning, constantly wearing down these weary bones. I lick old wounds with salt on my tongue to remember the sting of the memories, remember why I deserve to suffer, remember that I am still a storm lost upon these seas.
Do you feel the thunder roaring beneath my skin? Can you taste the sorrow, so bitter, so sweet? Do you know just how deep these waters are that you are in?
Perhaps it is my embrace you come back to because you are like me.
Perhaps you cannot taste the ocean in a kiss without wanting to drown in the sea.
You are my favorite thing to wake up to
On a Sunday afternoon
While everyone else is at church
I seek my salvation upon your lips
Finding heaven when you speak in tongues
There, and there, and there
I miss the feel of you next to me
I see you even in my sleep
I think of you and you and you only
I hear your doubtful words and feel lonely
I don’t know whether to hold you tight or set you free
I drink in sadness yet still drown in you like the sea
I wake up from the sweetest dream
To your arm around my waist, finding I am happier in reality
But when you kiss my neck and hold me tightly
Suddenly it hurts to breathe
Because you say you see no flaws in me
Yet there are so many, so goddamn many
So many reasons for you to leave
I know one day that you will understand and see…
I’m not sure I’ll be able to go back to being empty
The only thing I fear from you is absence
You slipping into the darkest corners of your mind
Leaving me to feel too much while you feel less
That one day, when I give you all my love,
I will await a return only to come up empty
Filled with nothing but regrets
What kills me is uncertainty
Holding my breath
Wondering if it’s me
Growing cold so I won’t bleed
Your silence is so hard to take
Please don’t leave now
There’s too much at stake
Don’t make me falter
Don’t let me break
My tongue has grown sharp
forgive me if my words draw blood
if when we’re quiet you hear the storm
if when we kiss you taste a flood
I am unaccustomed to such overwhelming emotions
My heart is not used to this, this…this constant rise and fall
Like ink spilt onto paper, your presence grew slowly with time
I tried to keep my distance, but the ink on my hands betrays me
Thousands of thoughts, thousands of neurons firing, all day long speaking to each other
All of them saying one thing:
you, you, you, you, you
Morning rays greet me yet as I awaken it is only your warmth I seek
The moon caresses my skin upon nightfall yet I fall asleep dreaming only of your touch
It’s hard to explain, but there has never been a place I did not want to leave
That is, until I was drunk in your arms and seeing a world within your eyes at 4am
Until you kissed me and I heard a whisper that sounded something like home
Is this what it was like discovering fire?
Discovering such an important key to your survival that could hurt if you got too close?
I am not afraid of heights, only of falling, only of pain
I am not afraid of loving you, only of the day you will kiss me goodbye and leave me with the taste of blood in my mouth
I fear I will be unable to wash this ink from my hands
I was always so scared of the pain of it all, the pain of getting close, the pain of the fall. Always pushing and drifting, keeping everyone at arms length. There has been a comfort in knowing everything is temporary and the only thing certain is death. A peace in feeling nothing, losing nothing, because nothing is left. Knowing that I could leave in the middle of the night and be alright on my own helped me sleep and being on the move was when I felt the most at home. Then you showed up and suddenly, I didn’t want the world to be temporary.
I am someone who always wants to be elsewhere. I live in the possibilities and uncertainties of tomorrow and ignore the present with thoughts of the past. But I’ve found myself tracing the names of cities I want to travel to on your back until you drift into sleep because the only place I want to be in those moments is with you. I don’t think you understand how rare it is for me to feel content with where I am. I don’t think you understand how much that feeling terrifies me. For years I’ve talked myself into believing I ruin everything good and that I don’t deserve to be happy. I have perfected the art of distancing myself from people I grow to care for. So when I began searching for a name that could explain the feeling I got every time you kissed me with such care, I slipped into old habits again. I held myself underwater until I remembered what it was like to drown and told myself I would pull you under if you kept me around and I grew cold to numb myself before the inevitable pain.
Now you tell me you truly care for me and I respond by caring less and watch you start to freeze and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry because these calloused words taste stale and tumble off my tongue out of habit, but they aren’t what I want to tell you. I want to tell you that I have never seen the stars as clearly as the night we sat by the fire when I told you thoughts and secrets that had collected dust for years. I want to tell you that the night you first kissed me I slept soundly and without a single dream because you had your arms wrapped around me and that was enough for me. I want to tell you how my throat burns with these poems I’ve written that all sound like your name and how I’m going insane not being able to say how I feel more than just the same. And yet, I stay silent. My mouth stays filled with emotions I have never practiced putting into words. You took my silence as emptiness and asked if I still wanted to be with you, if I wanted us to work. To answer you, my heart has always been cautious and guarded -it had always felt right within the protected confinements of this rib cage- and I know you don’t like metaphors but I stumble with words and writing is the only way I can say:
the moment I met you, this wary heart went from one cage to another.