FROM FIRE TO ASHES

Simply me and my musings

I am sitting here with you on my mind wishing you were on my skin instead.

Instability

When I hear nothing from you but misery and pain I go insane wishing there were a way to make you whole again. I think the root of your problem is me and it is only redemption I seek but I don’t know how to amend these things. Your silence is just so unnerving causing my fears to start stirring and the things my demons whisper sound so right, so alluring. I want to help but don’t want to get hurt. I want to love you but I want to render my emotions inert. I don’t want to be selfish and drag you down, I don’t want to fill your lungs with love if it will only cause you to drown. I’ll always do what’s best for you, just tell me because I don’t know what to do when the demons you deal with are my own too. Sometimes I believe your only reprieve is for me to leave and I can’t tell if it’s really for you

or really for me.

I Am So Cold

The numbing pain is back I see

In mere minutes, a flash freeze

I depended too much on you for heat

Lost control, time to admit defeat

Did you take it or was I too cold?

Was it real? Was it fool’s gold?

If you cannot find happiness with me

No one can

I understand

It’s okay to leave

Convince Me I Am Wrong

I don’t know how you chose me

Chose to hold a stone in your heart

When you have galaxies at your feet

I don’t know how you chose me

~

I don’t know why you keep me

I’m choking on doubts and insecurities

Seeing demons even in sleep

I don’t know why you keep me

~

I don’t know what you see in me

There are so many flaws

So many reasons for you to leave

I don’t know what you see in me

~

I don’t understand, I cannot conceive

How you can honestly say you care

While keeping your conscious clean

But god

Do I want to believe

I am so afraid of disappearing, of being forgotten, yet sometimes that is all I want.

-fears, desires, and late night thoughts

Storm at Sea

I do not understand why you chose me. I do not understand how your voice can wrap around the words “I love you” and present them like a gift I don’t deserve.

I am the girl who lives like a storm, coming and going, leaving destruction in her wake. The girl who can’t love without pain and who can’t speak without venom dripping from her teeth. I carry this ocean of sorrow inside my chest, the waves of emotions pushing and waning, constantly wearing down these weary bones. I lick old wounds with salt on my tongue to remember the sting of the memories, remember why I deserve to suffer, remember that I am still a storm lost upon these seas.

Do you feel the thunder roaring beneath my skin? Can you taste the sorrow, so bitter, so sweet? Do you know just how deep these waters are that you are in?

Perhaps it is my embrace you come back to because you are like me.

Perhaps you cannot taste the ocean in a kiss without wanting to drown in the sea.

Sunday Afternoon

You are my favorite thing to wake up to

On a Sunday afternoon

While everyone else is at church

I seek my salvation upon your lips

Finding heaven when you speak in tongues

There, and there, and there

Wishing the Week Away

Monday
I miss the feel of you next to me

Tuesday
I see you even in my sleep

Wednesday
I think of you and you and you only

Thursday
I hear your doubtful words and feel lonely

Friday
I don’t know whether to hold you tight or set you free

Saturday
I drink in sadness yet still drown in you like the sea

Sunday
I wake up from the sweetest dream

To your arm around my waist, finding I am happier in reality

But when you kiss my neck and hold me tightly

Suddenly it hurts to breathe

Because you say you see no flaws in me

Yet there are so many, so goddamn many

So many reasons for you to leave

I know one day that you will understand and see…

I’m not sure I’ll be able to go back to being empty

What I Didn’t Say

The only thing I fear from you is absence

You slipping into the darkest corners of your mind

Leaving me to feel too much while you feel less

That one day, when I give you all my love,

I will await a return only to come up empty

Filled with nothing but regrets

Silent

What kills me is uncertainty

Holding my breath

Wondering if it’s me

Growing cold so I won’t bleed

 

Your silence is so hard to take

Please don’t leave now

There’s too much at stake

Don’t make me falter

 

Don’t let me break

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