FROM FIRE TO ASHES

Simply me and my musings

Reflex

My tongue has grown sharp

forgive me if my words draw blood

if when we’re quiet you hear the storm

if when we kiss you taste a flood

Amiss

I am unaccustomed to such overwhelming emotions

My heart is not used to this, this…this constant rise and fall

Like ink spilt onto paper, your presence grew slowly with time

I tried to keep my distance, but the ink on my hands betrays me

Thousands of thoughts, thousands of neurons firing, all day long speaking to each other

All of them saying one thing:

you, you, you, you, you

Morning rays greet me yet as I awaken it is only your warmth I seek

The moon caresses my skin upon nightfall yet I fall asleep dreaming only of your touch

It’s hard to explain, but there has never been a place I did not want to leave

That is, until I was drunk in your arms and seeing a world within your eyes at 4am

Until you kissed me and I heard a whisper that sounded something like home

Is this what it was like discovering fire?

Discovering such an important key to your survival that could hurt if you got too close?

I am not afraid of heights, only of falling, only of pain

I am not afraid of loving you, only of the day you will kiss me goodbye and leave me with the taste of blood in my mouth

I fear I will be unable to wash this ink from my hands

I am so hopelessly lost.

Slipping Again

I’m sorry but I just don’t understand.

I don’t understand how anyone could choose me over someone like her. I don’t understand how you can look at me and say you love me when you know just how much I lack. I can’t be enough. I can’t. It’s my curse. I swear I’ve tried to overcome these insecurities. In times like these where it clouds my eyes with doubt I tell myself how I have come a long way, that I have gotten better, that I am better, at least better than this. But the words mean nothing when the feeling is still there. I know it’s unfair to you and I tried to reign it in but in times like these when I am thrown back into the environment where it all started I cannot seem to hold it together.I don’t want to fuck this up. I’m trying so hard not to. But I just…

don’t understand.

Caged Heart

I was always so scared of the pain of it all, the pain of getting close, the pain of the fall. Always pushing and drifting, keeping everyone at arms length. There has been a comfort in knowing everything is temporary and the only thing certain is death. A peace in feeling nothing, losing nothing, because nothing is left. Knowing that I could leave in the middle of the night and be alright on my own helped me sleep and being on the move was when I felt the most at home. Then you showed up and suddenly, I didn’t want the world to be temporary.

I am someone who always wants to be elsewhere. I live in the possibilities and uncertainties of tomorrow and ignore the present with thoughts of the past. But I’ve found myself tracing the names of cities I want to travel to on your back until you drift into sleep because the only place I want to be in those moments is with you. I don’t think you understand how rare it is for me to feel content with where I am. I don’t think you understand how much that feeling terrifies me. For years I’ve talked myself into believing I ruin everything good and that I don’t deserve to be happy. I have perfected the art of distancing myself from people I grow to care for. So when I began searching for a name that could explain the feeling I got every time you kissed me with such care, I slipped into old habits again. I held myself underwater until I remembered what it was like to drown and told myself I would pull you under if you kept me around and I grew cold to numb myself before the inevitable pain.

Now you tell me you truly care for me and I respond by caring less and watch you start to freeze and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry because these calloused words taste stale and tumble off my tongue out of habit, but they aren’t what I want to tell you. I want to tell you that I have never seen the stars as clearly as the night we sat by the fire when I told you thoughts and secrets that had collected dust for years. I want to tell you that the night you first kissed me I slept soundly and without a single dream because you had your arms wrapped around me and that was enough for me. I want to tell you how my throat burns with these poems I’ve written that all sound like your name and how I’m going insane not being able to say how I feel more than just the same. And yet, I stay silent. My mouth stays filled with emotions I have never practiced putting into words. You took my silence as emptiness and asked if I still wanted to be with you, if I wanted us to work. To answer you, my heart has always been cautious and guarded -it had always felt right within the protected confinements of this rib cage- and I know you don’t like metaphors but I stumble with words and writing is the only way I can say:

the moment I met you, this wary heart went from one cage to another.

Reminder

Sometimes when I’m feeling numb

I like to hold my breath

Til’ my lungs are burning and my vision blurring

Simply to feel the flutter of death

Haunted Ghost

I swear you see ghosts

That much is clear

For you’ve always seen me

Even when I disappear

 

I have a love for distance

Find an allure in leaving

No matter where I am

It’s of elsewhere that I’m dreaming

 

I like being faint

And don’t mind being forgotten

But if I am the ghost

How is it I feel haunted?

 

I’m a nomadic ghost

But no matter how far I roam

I’m drawn back to the touch

That brings me to life

And the kiss

That tastes like home

Who Cares? I’m Empty Anyway

You’re just another knife who needs a sheath

and if it makes you happy

I’ll let you stab me in the side.

The back is already taken,

but there’s still some life left in me that can die.

Surviving Dying

When things get bad I just tell myself

Don’t cry yet, just wait until later

Wait until tonight

Wait until tomorrow

Wait

Wait

Wait

And by the time I am alone

With a moment

Of quiet

I find I have no tears left to shed

Only a heavy heart

And a raging storm of thoughts

Tossing it to and fro

 

Vulnerable

You hold the promise of us like a prayer upon your lips;

I can taste the hope, the weariness, the pleading,

in your feverish kiss.

-

When you say you care, from your heart sincerity drips;

I have tried my best to stop the bleeding…

but you don’t want it fixed.

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