FROM FIRE TO ASHES

Simply me and my musings

Cagey Heart- An Almost Love Letter #4

I was always so scared of the pain of it all, the pain of getting close, the pain of the fall. Always pushing and drifting, keeping everyone at arms length. There was always a comfort in knowing everything is temporary and the only thing certain is death. Knowing that I could leave in the middle of the night and be alright on my own helped me sleep and being on the move was when I felt the most at home. Then you showed up and suddenly, I didn’t want the world to be temporary.

I am someone who always wants to be elsewhere. I live in the possibilities and uncertainties of tomorrow and ignore the present with thoughts of the past. But I’ve found myself tracing the names of cities I want to travel to on your back until you fall asleep because the only place I want to be in those moments is with you. I don’t think you understand how rare it is for me to feel content with where I am. I don’t think you understand how much that feeling terrifies me. For years I’ve talked myself into believing I ruin everything good and that I don’t deserve to be happy. I have perfected the art of distancing myself from people I grow to care about too much. So when I began searching for a name that could explain the feeling I got every time you kissed my head with such care, I slipped into old habits again. I held myself underwater until I remembered what it was like to drown and told myself I would pull you under if you kept me around and I grew cold to numb the pain of that truth.

Now you tell me you truly care for me and I respond by caring less and watch you start to freeze and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry because these calloused words taste stale and tumble off my tongue out of habit, but they aren’t what I want to tell you. I want to tell you that I have never seen the stars as clearly as the night we sat by the fire when I told you thoughts and secrets that had collected dust for years. I want to tell you that the night you first kissed me I slept soundly and without a single dream because you had your arm wrapped around me and that was enough for me.  I want to tell you how my throat burns with these poems I’ve written that all sound like your name and how I’m going insane not being able to say how I feel more than just the same. And yet, I stay silent. My mouth stays filled with emotions I have never practiced putting into words. You took my silence as emptiness and asked if I still wanted to be with you, if I wanted us to work. My heart has always been cautious and guarded-it had always felt right within the protected confinements of this rib cage-and I know you don’t like metaphors but I stumble with words and writing is the only way I can say:

the moment I met you, this wary heart went from one cage to another.

Reminder

Sometimes when I’m feeling numb

I like to hold my breath

Til’ my lungs are burning and my vision blurring

Simply to feel the flutter of death

Haunted Ghost

I swear you see ghosts

That much is clear

For you’ve always seen me

Even when I disappear

 

I have a love for distance

Find an allure in leaving

No matter where I am

It’s of elsewhere that I’m dreaming

 

I like being faint

And don’t mind being forgotten

But if I am the ghost

How is it I feel haunted?

 

I’m a nomadic ghost

But no matter how far I roam

I’m drawn back to the touch

That brings me to life

And the kiss

That tastes like home

Caring is Self Destruction

You told me you can’t stop feeling like you’re going to ruin our relationship

That your demons will drown me until you convince yourself

You have to leave you just so I can breathe

You said you didn’t want to do that to me

That you’re terrified of being the one to fuck what we have up

Your words held so much sorrow…

 

If it makes you less sad

I’ll hold the door open and make it

Easier for you to leave

I’ll lie and say I’m okay, I understand, we can still be friends

If it makes you less sad

I’ll make the decision mutual, no matter how hard it gets

To say the words or how heavy the door becomes

Or how much it will hurt when it shuts

And if it makes you feel less sad

I will toss my heart into the sea

And let it sink to the bottom

Just so you don’t have to worry about drowning me

Who Cares? I’m Empty Anyway

You’re just another knife who needs a sheath

and if it makes you happy

I’ll let you stab me in the side.

The back is already taken,

but there’s still some life left in me that can die.

Surviving Dying

When things get bad I just tell myself

Don’t cry yet, just wait until later

Wait until tonight

Wait until tomorrow

Wait

Wait

Wait

And by the time I am alone

With a moment

Of quiet

I find I have no tears left to shed

Only a heavy heart

And a raging storm of thoughts

Tossing it to and fro

 

What am I doing here?

Vulnerable

You hold the promise of us like a prayer upon your lips;

I can taste the hope, the weariness, the pleading,

in your feverish kiss.

-

When you say you care, from your heart sincerity drips;

I have tried my best to stop the bleeding…

but you don’t want it fixed.

Play Time

Your demons play

so well with my own;

they know my name

and call it home.

One of Those Nights

It has been a while but I can feel the sorrow sit heavy in my lungs like a thick fog, leaving no room for my anxiety to escape as I struggle to breath.

I hate that I feel this way because it means I care more than I thought I had let myself. My feelings are always under tight control but they’re slipping through my lips in gasps and I feel the buildup of pressure as they beat mercilessly behind my eyelids like the ocean wearing away at a cliff.

Staring into this raging storm, frothing just behind my teeth and sense of reason, I can’t help but remember how much easier it was to drown in that cold. Even the salt would taste sweet on my now bitter tongue.

I’m not proud of the shot of whiskey I took just to burn these words in my throat, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it to something with a heartbeat when I hardly feel my own.  Not right now. Not yet. I know how I am when I get like this and it is not good for anyone.

The fact is, I can never let myself be happy and I can never be happy with myself. I find little reminders in my day that tell me everything and everyone is temporary. I find subtle ways to push the ones I care about away until they are just a memory. I convince myself that I am better off alone because I am nothing but a burden to others. In some twisted way, I make it okay in my head because it seems I am doing everyone else a favor.

Really, I think I am just terrified of being hurt. Taking away my own happiness and controlling how much pain I am in somehow seems better than it happening unexpectedly by someone else’s hand.

How does one live like that? I think I broke a long time ago, and as much as I try to be better, I’m finding it is not as easy as I anticipated.

I’ve tried for others before and it has never been enough.

Whenever I pull myself up, I fall back even further. It’s the same every time. I do well for a while and something happens to remind me that it can all be gone in seconds. I loosen my grip on all things I hold dear so that, when that time comes, I will emerge unscathed.

You said you’ve thought about how we will end, how you believe it will be because either you will believe you are no good for me or I will. That I will get tired of your shit. You have no idea how nice it was to hear that from someone other than the voice in my head. I don’t think you understood just how much I could relate.

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